PHILEMATOLOGY
Like many people I know, I was well along in years before I discovered my "calling". I sincerely believe that we all have a special talent, or at least a secret yearning, and that recognizing that early on and pursuing it as ones career is key to a happy life. Alright, maybe not a happy life, but a happy career. Up until now, I wished that I had considered that advice long ago and perhaps chose to fly or tell jokes for a living. Then, just the other day, I read about philematology. It's not that I would wanted to have been a philematologist, per se, but the lab work sure sounds interesting.
For those of you who haven't looked it up already, philematology is the "science of kissing". I guess I always figured there were different styles, but I certainly never knew there was a scientific category all set aside for kissing. I shudder to think of the college funds or federal grant money that have been shoveled off to some laboratory somewhere, burned like coal in the relentless pursuit of answers to the mystery of kissing. On the bright side, most of the money goes straight to research, because the lab is sparse. Just a futon, a beanbag chair, a few lava lamps and some Marvin Gaye records. And notebooks...lots of notebooks and labcoats.
Before you call your state representative to complain, let me share with you some of the impressive results of the philematological equivalent of the Race to Mars. First, roughly two-thirds of all humans tilt their head to the right when kissing. Doesn't matter if you're left or right-handed. That information cost about $500,000.00, so savor it, please.
After a relationship develops, a woman is much more likely than a man to use kissing as a way to monitor the commitment. "There is good evidence that the frequency of kissing is a pretty good barometer of the status of the relationship", according to Gordon Gallup, an odd name given his line of work, that being, "Evolutionary Psychology Professor". If kissing is used as a relationship-quality-monitor, than I would say my wife ended the investigation about ten years ago.
More interesting than any of the above, not that the bar has been set too high here, is the onslaught of hormones and neurotransmitters that are triggered by kissing. This salad of "feel-good" juices sent by the brain makes Ecstasy look like a placebo. First, adrenaline, increasing the heart rate. Then, endorphins, known to produce euphoria. Keep the stimulation river flowing with oxytocin, which is known to help "development attachment", that feeling that tells us..."I want to stay here". Serotonin, which affects mood and also dopamine which helps the brain process emotion. The combination of effects lead to the other physical changes in the body, the disgusting details of which I will spare you here. The study did note, that earlobes swell, too. Perhaps the most useless information gleaned from this study so far.
Neuroscientist Wendy Hill noted that levels of cortisol dropped for both sexes when "kissing under laboratory conditions". This confirms that kissing reduces stress for both parties. And, if you can have your stress drop, even while kissing in front of a guy in a white coat with a notepad then you should be able to really unwind at home on the couch.
All in all, the most startling and unsettling remarks in this study were found in the final paragraph. "Very few creatures other than humans are great kissers. The marked exceptions are our close relatives, the chimpanzees and bonobos. Chimps, in fact, engage in kissing and making-up-after-conflict." What? Suddenly, the woman with the crazy chimp is starting to make sense. Like the octuplet-mom story, which seemed like a "feel-good" miracle story at first, and then descended into a "psycho-mom, psycho-doctor" story, the story of the woman whose chimp ripped her best friend's face off, at first seemed tragic for both victim, chimp and chimp-owner. Then, we learned that the chimp-owner ate steak and drank wine from long-stemmed glasses with her "chimp". She took baths and "slept" in the same bed with her "chimp". The chimp brushed her hair and they walked on the beach together. But, when reviewing the results of this kissing study, I've got to believe now, that it was all about that unbelievable "Chimp Make-Up Sex". Next study? "In-Grown Hairs: Menace or Opportunity For Intimacy?"
Karl From New Hampshire