FOUR DRUMSTICKS
Lately, venturing
into any newspaper causes me to first pause, take a deep breath, and then
slowly peel open the first page. Truly, I have can barely remember such a
spate of horrid news. This week, something different caught my eye. Now hold
on, I don't want anyone to think that I didn't notice the story out of
Gelndale, Colorado of Jose Rubi-Nava who tied a rope around his girlfriends
neck and dragged her for a mile down the road, leaving a bloody trail
through their bucolic neighborhood. Just another day in the Melting Pot. No,
I didn't miss the story out of East St. Louis of a young woman's body found
with her fetus cut from her womb. She leaves behind 3 children ages 7, 3 and
2. Just another day in the Melting Pot. In fact, it was these stories, and
others that made me quickly search for some relief.
Relief comes in all sizes, shapes and colors. Sometime last summer, during
the Alligator Feast in Florida, I had commented to friends that it seemed
unusual for alligators to be eating so many people. I added my feelings of
relief that alligators can't run faster and stay close to water. Imagine
some kind of mutant alligator with long, skinny legs that can run like a
mongoose. Life around Florida would get a lot more interesting in a hurry.
My father used to comment, when I was a kid, every time a bird would happen
to leave its "mark" on our windshield, "thank God cows don't fly". It was an
old joke, but I let it slide and took its meaning at face value.
Still, and I'm not blaming my father, I have spent years wondering what
would happen if the wildlife around us should decide to come after
us...terrorist-style. Or, worse, as I mentioned, that certain species begin
to combine qualities that create new, lethal brands of vermin. Thank God
that the animals are not as sexually liberated as us humans, generally
tending to stick to the timeworn rituals of opposite-gender relations and,
most importantly, same species. I have had nightmares filled with flying
bears, poodles with cobra heads, elepines, which is a cross between an
elephant and a porcupine. This beast would essentially be a 7 ton pin
cushion, wandering through the streets. It seems far-fetched, and yet last
year a scientist in Oregon was trying to combine DNA from a prehistoric
woolly mammoth and one of today's pacaderms. Why? Do we need to bring back
dinosaurs? Does anyone remember the chaos in Massachusetts last year when
there were a handful of fisher cat sightings? Imagine a woolly mammoth on a
picnic table in Natick?
Yesterday, a story caught my eye that shed a whole new light on my fears.
Suddenly, fear began to turn to excitement. The prospect of new
possibilities...a "silver lining", if you will. On Friday, in Somerset,
Pennsylvania, a foreman at Brendle Farms discovered something he had never
seen...a four-legged chicken! Now my first instinct was fear...it's finally
happening I thought. Then, I began to imagine the implications here. First
and foremost...four drumsticks when you buy a whole chicken. That's good
news for me, because I love drumsticks and there are never enough to go
around. Second...think of the new pet possibilities now that 4 x 4 chickens
can be walked like a dog! Expect an expensive brand of French Four-Legged
Chickens for the Hollywood crowd...little sweaters and booties...diamond
wing-tips. Don't forget the gaming possibilities with a greyhound-like
racing chicken. "I'm off to the track, honey, be home around 5:00. I've got
fifty bucks on Little Wing for the trifecta…" Also, as the owner of two
dogs, two goats and a rabbit, I would love to have a chicken-dog that lays
eggs. Finally, a useful pet. All those little packages that us dog owners
are used to picking up with gloves and placing in a plastic bag? Those days
will be forever gone as those little packages will now be breakfast. Can you
say "two over-easy"? By giving your chicken-dog a little laxative, it is
likely you could get your eggs pre-scrambled. No more shedding,
barking...it's a whole new day folks!
Of course the only thing that could ruin it now would be the revelation of a
scandal. Tire tracks from Colonel Sanders pick up truck found in the mud at
Brendle Farms, or Scooter Libby's phone number scratched into the barn wall.
I just know something will come along to ruin this, but in the meantime, I
am placing my order because these babies are going to be hard to get. You
think the waiting line for a Prius is long? This hybrid is going to change
the world. It already has when you think about. That old adage..."why did
the chicken cross the road?"...which used to be a rhetorical question, now
has an actual answer...because it's a dog. And that other one, "don't count
your chickens before they hatch..", well, you can still count your chickens
if you want, but I would hold off on the leg count.