Home

Standup

Weekly Columns

Guest Column/Product

Photo Gallery

Frequently Asked
Questions

Forum

Comic for Hire

Comic for Hire

Contact US

 

 

 



FATHER'S DAY

One of the major differences between Mother's Day and Father's Day is the difference between Mother's and Father's. Mother's, on their special day, reflect on the birth of their children, the journey through infancy and early childhood, and so on. Father's reflect on those hellish occasions that caused you to question your whole life, wonder about the prospect of parenthood in it's entirety, and to think about your childless friends and how they're probably off indulging themselves at whatever hobby fancies them, rife with cash from the money saved after years of caring for, and entertaining, only themselves. 

We had a standout weekend at our household last fall that induced all of the aforementioned emotions, and then some.  I have more offspring than I will mention in this column, but the stars of this particular weekend were my eight year old son, Mitchell, and his nine year old brother, Dominic. It was last September, and the weekend of Dominic's ninth birthday.  He had decided to have a "camp-out" in the backyard with about ten of his friends.  A "camp-out", for those not familiar, is about three little tents, and a bunch of kids who will never go to sleep in a tent.  We had planned a little camp fire with a marshmallow roasting session.  Gifts had been given earlier, including an electric scooter which my wife and I had given him. He rode the scooter about ten feet, realized he was out of his depth, and parked it in the garage, clearly with no intentions of riding it again. 

About 9:00 in the evening we had our little camp fire started. My in-laws, high-wire Italians from North Jersey, were spending the weekend and were inside. My mother-in-law screams like a homicide victim at the sight of a mosquito and was not about to be outside at night.  Everything was rolling along nicely.  I remember watching the kids in the glow of the fire, remembering the magic of those autumn nights when I was young. A group of boys, including Dominic, were at the edge of the woods getting sharp sticks for marshmallows.  Suddenly, all hell broke loose....screaming, kids running in circles jumping up and down, shedding their clothes.  They had been standing on an underground yellow jacket-bee's nest.  Some of you may know, these are the most aggressive, no b.s. bee on the market.  Kids under attack will always head for the house.  This night was no exception, and with them went a trail of bees, not to mention bees who had smuggled themselves over the border in socks and underpants. My mother-in-law went immediately to Full-Italian-High-Drama mode, screaming "BEE" at the top of her lungs as she ran from room to room looking for a safe-zone.  My son's birthday party had turned into a Stephen King movie. 

My poor son got the worst, eleven bee-stings, other kids got from zero to five.  I'm sweating bullets and waiting for the first kid to start swelling up like the Michelin Man.  Returning a kid to their parents with wet clothes is awkward enough, returning them post-mortem is really uncomfortable.  Remarkably, only a couple of kids opted to call their parents and go home. We managed to salvage the evening with the rest. I spent the rest of the night hunting bees with over sixty on my kill list be the end of the night. 

The next morning, I decided to get up early and go flying.  General aviation is my hobby and on weekends we get together, fly to a nearby airport for breakfast, and return.  Clears the head and affords an always beautiful magic-carpet ride over the New England countryside.  Returning from the airport, pulling in my driveway, I see the electric scooter laying in the yard.  My neighbor, an elderly gentleman who is like family, is coming out of the house..."I think you've got a broken arm in there..." That's right...first thing in the morning; Mitchell had decided he would sneak an unauthorized and unannounced ride on that scooter.  Thank God he had the sense to put on his bicycle helmet.  It may have saved his life.  He had gone up the street and come down, got sucked into the shoulder, and gone ass over teakettle right in front of my neighbor's yard.  His face was pretty bruised up as well. 

Hours later at the hospital, after Mitch came out of surgery for his arm, I was having one of those Father's Day moments.  Wondering what kind of parent I could be having nearly lost both kids in one weekend. Nothing hurts like watching your kids hurt, and if you feel as though you could have helped avoid it, it's ten times worse. At the same time, I wonder how I could love any person so much, through so much, at any cost, and unconditionally.  This is the beauty of being a father and I need nothing more on Father's Day than to be in my children's company.