Home

Standup

Weekly Columns

Guest Column/Product

Photo Gallery

Frequently Asked
Questions

Forum

Comic for Hire

Contact US

 

 


I would like to thank everyone who has visited the site and who has e-mailed. It has been very interesting and fun for me and I hope we can keep it interesting for all involved. Already, in just my second week, I have violated my oath to myself with regards to the column.  I promised myself I would try to stay away from politics.

I promised myself I would try not to get too serious.  I promised myself I would avoid the "topic of the week" and try to be original and fresh. So, without further delay, let me continue in my reckless abandon of these three goals, far too dignified as they were, to be met by me.
 

“LIVE FREE OR DIE" (except in specified area codes)

You may want to rethink that call to Lebanon, NH.  God forbid a burp of static renders the "NH" part of that call inaudible on a Federal tape recorder.  I'm upset about the NSA's announcement for all the wrong reasons.  I really wouldn't care if they wanted my phone records if they had ever, even once, demonstrated a plausible scenario for needing it.  More succinctly, that they would know how to effectively use important information once they had it.  We knew one of the hijackers of 9/11 fame had admitted at flight schools that he had no need to learn how to take off and land.  The information fell through the cracks.  I have this nagging feeling as we allow Big Brother more and more room on the couch that we're in for a big letdown.  Imagine you donate a kidney to a close friend and months later you run into him. "Hey, it turned out I only had a stomach flu.....I fed your kidney to my cat."

That may sound a little harsh, but is it?  Wasn't it poor intelligence that got us into Iraq?  Wasn't it poor dissemination of good intelligence between agencies that allowed that terrible day on September 11th to become reality?  Phone records? Isn't that the first thing you learn at Crime School...use an outside line?  This might be a great idea if we had everything else under control. To continue to allow thousands of unknown and illegal immigrants into the country each week and do nothing but then ask the entire citizenry to forgo more privacy is ridiculous.  That's like me coming home from work and there is a rabid wolverine eating my children but I tell my wife I want to check on the termites in the wood shed first.  To prove that I am not unwilling to give credit where it is due I offer the following testimony to a government agency that I think is awesome.

As a private pilot, I pay attention to crashes. Not as a morbid curiosity but in the interest of vigilance.  Learn from it to avoid having it happen to you. The aviation section of The National Transportation Safety Board is an aggressive, no b.s. group.  These are the folks that investigate airplane accidents, large and small, determine when able a probable cause, and promote an action that will help reduce or eliminate the possibility of another crash from the same cause. Clearly, some of their work takes place under extreme conditions. It often takes months or years of relentless investigation to yield a result but most often they do, with hard, physical fact to back up the findings.  They need those hard facts because often, their findings mean money for the airlines or an aircraft manufacturer.  This is where the process stops. When fact and necessity meet business and politics, or in other words, the FAA.  That terrible ValuJet crash in the everglades.  For years the NTSB had warned of the need for fire alarms/suppression equipment in cargo holds.  Could have been avoided.  Flight 800, the terrible 747 crash into Long Island. The NTSB had warned of problems concerning volatile fuel/air mixtures in the near-empty center tanks of 747's. Could have been avoided.

So you can see why I'm reluctant to give up my kidney.  I don't think there is an American out there who wouldn't give up their phone, much less their phone records, if they thought it would really make a difference.  We know it won't.  I'm not even sure I care if someone calls Osama.  Ask if his refrigerator is running.

A few days ago a baby's arm was found at the Deer Island Sewage Treatment Plant in Boston.  In Ohio, a young man abducted and killed a ten-year old girl with the intent of eating her at a later date.  In Boston alone, two young women have been found murdered in the last week alone.  If there were answers for these social ills in anybody's phone book, I would be leading the charge.