BALLOON REFORM
Every now and then, there is a
sign of hope. In New Hampshire it recently appeared in the form of new
legislation. While most of us are busy worrying about the common dangers of
daily life, things such as driving, cultural dangers like violence and just
generally trying to get through each day in one piece, I was relieved to see
our elected officials keeping diligent watch over more sublime threats. Our
state recently passed a new law limiting the number of helium balloons that
can be released simultaneously. Here I had been nearly apocalyptic over
illegal immigration, the education crisis, the war in Iraq and myriad other
common concerns, while the flagrant abuse of helium balloons spread like
wildfire, unabated.
For years I have noticed how I can barely cross the street anymore without
being practically knee-deep in spent balloons. Most of us have noticed on at
least one occasion, the temporary dimming of the sun as huge hordes of
helium orbs pass overhead. It is not uncommon for entire neighborhoods to
experience fleeting bouts of high-pitched-voice syndrome in the wake of a
local birthday party where the eight-year olds have released their party
balloons into the sky. The obvious nuisance notwithstanding, there is also
the wanton waste of helium, a precious resource which we should be hording
in preparation for a natural disaster. In my basement bunker, in addition to
spring water, canned goods, duct tape (per Tom Ridge), and plastic sheeting,
I have about 400 pounds of compressed helium...just in case.
It seems this law was passed however, with wildlife, not humans, in mind.
Apparently, released balloons eventually pop and float back to earth like a
flying birth-control device. Soon after their crash landing, spent balloon
casings are likely to be eaten by various wildlife with a variety of
digestion problems ensuing. Personally, I have yet to see a seagull dropping
on my windshield which contained anything other than green and white goo,
but I'll take the word of the experts. Nor have I seen a bear, hedgehog,
deer or porcupine choking on multi-colored balloon skins, but again, I defer
to the Fish and Game professionals.
One thing is for sure, when I see a helium-balloon-releaser, I give him or
her a look which clearly reflects my disapproval. We can no longer look the
other way, pretending these people are normal. They must be shunned,
isolated from society and, ideally, shipped to a remote island somewhere. An
island without balloons.
So for all of you jaded taxpayers who think your elected officials aren't
watching out for you...just sit back and relax. This legislation represents
the kind of proactive, forward-looking lawmaking that we can all be proud
of. Sometimes, the big, pressing problems are just too much work. Illegal
immigration? Please, no...too many ethical and constitutional hurdles and
besides, in a few years, there will be nobody left in Mexico anyway. The
demise of the family structure and its impact on society? Arghh...that one
makes my stomach hurt and besides, we can't legislate family. Let's just
focus on balloons right now because it may sound crazy, but if I can save
just one seagull, it will all be worth it. More importantly, this
legislation has caused me to abandon my plan of floating myself off of the
planet using hundreds of helium balloons and a lawn chair. Some of you may
remember that a man in California did this many years ago and actually
ascended to the flight levels, and then lowered himself by shooting out
balloons with a pellet gun. I always thought he was crazy...not for floating
away in a lawn chair, but for coming back.