TO CATCH AN ALIEN
Over the last few
days a deluge of controversy has submerged Massachusetts Governor Mitt
Romney as he traverses the country on his Presidential campaign. The ardent
supporter and vocal proponent of a wall along our Southern border to curb
illegal immigration was getting his hedge trimmed by...you guessed it:
illegal immigrants. Now one could argue that it's not really his fault. The
company he hired to mow his lawn and rake his leaves is owned by,
apparently, a legal immigrant otherwise known as a U.S. citizen. So in
fairness an argument could be put forth that it is the responsibility of the
owner of the landscaping company to be sure his employees are on the up and
up. I only said the argument could be put forth, not necessarily with a
straight face, but still, sillier things than this are presented in
courtrooms all over the country everyday. No, the element that is hard to
overlook is the overwhelming stupidity of running for President of the
United States, with a tough crack-down on illegal immigration being a
cornerstone of your platform, and having illegal workers in your yard
simultaneously. How many politicians have already been brought down with
this very issue? I've heard of "hedging your bet", but I had never before
seen anyone "bet their hedge". That friendly little guy who trims the hedges
at the Romney home in Belmont may have just blown up a Presidential campaign
without even knowing it. Apparently, it never occurred to Mitt, who
allegedly greeted the workers routinely with a hearty "Buenos dias", that
any of these guys might be working "under-the-table". Aww…jeez.
I like Mitt Romney. I don't know if I want him for President, but he strikes
me as a decent guy, pretty straight-forward for a politician. I think he is
basically honest. I could be wrong. He seems to be a family man and someone
who holds traditional American values dear. In a strange way, he seems naive
about politics sometimes and yet I don't believe he is naive. In short, this
is a kind of confusing event. Did he know and not care? That couldn't be.
Did it never occur to him that it would be political suicide if anyone were
to find illegal immigrants working at his home? That couldn't be. Was he
simply not aware that the people mowing the lawn were from another country?
Not likely, as he greeted them in a very white version of their native
tongue when they would meet. So I have wracked my brain, knowing it will
never make sense, and now am just jumping ahead to the end game. How will he
get out of it? Will he announce tomorrow that he's entering rehab? "I had a
little problem with migrant workers..."
I thought about it a little more, anticipating, almost gleefully, the
stealthy maneuvering that will be required to get out of this one. And then
I thought of something even more fun. What if it were up to me to get him
out of it? What if I was Mitt's Spin Doctor? How would I do it? First...a
Mr. Romney would like to explain the circumstances that led to events which
made it appear as though he had hired illegal immigrants to work at his
home. In fact, Mr. Romney is working with Dateline's Chris Hansen on a new
series titled "To Catch an Alien". Mr. Romney had been posing as a man
interested in "having his lawn mowed" in an internet chatroom. Meanwhile, at
his Belmont manse, secret cameras and local police are ready to capture
would-be "lawn-mowers" when they show up to have their fun. Boy, they'll be
surprised when, instead of Mitt Romney, they find Chris Hansen and a camera
crew. Here's a transcript of the first bust.
Hansen: "So, you're looking for Mitt?"
Illegal: "He said he needed his lawn mowed"
Hansen: "Yeah, and you were going to mow it for him, weren't ya?"
Illegal: "He said he needed his lawn mowed".
Hansen: "Police found a WeedWhacker in your trunk. What were you going to do
with the WeedWhacker?"
Illegal: "Whack his weeds"
Hansen: "Oh yeah…I bet you were. Does your wife know you're here?"
Illegal: "She's in Mexico"
Hansen: "I see you brought gloves and a cold drink. I guess you really
planned on working up a sweat, right?"
Illegal: "I like it hot and sweaty."
Hansen: "Take your filthy WeedWhacker and that perverted lawn mowing machine
and get the hell out of here..."
So you can see, ladies and gentlemen, that Mitt Romney was in fact
participating in a very risky sting operation designed to catch these
illegal immigrants right where they live...in your backyard. This is exactly
the kind of comprehensive, though dangerous, action that you can expect from
Mitt Romney should you decide to make him your President. Imagine, a
President that does his own sting operations. We all know about the infamous
Jet ski rescue that Mitt pulled off up at "The Lake", a genuine rescue that
likely saved a life. Is it so hard to believe that Mitt was simply using his
own yard as a dragnet for illegals? Isn't this the kind of hands-on guy the
Well, all that sounds a little silly to you I'm sure. Yet, remember, this is
the beginning of what is probably going to be the most arduous, annoying,
cut-throat Presidential campaign in the history of the country. The
explanations of this faux pas and all the others to come will probably make
my "To Catch an Alien" excuse sound pretty plausible. Am I positive about
that? No, but I'd be willing to bet my hedge.