HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This week instead of
my usual hapless collection of thoughts, I thought I would gather a small
sampling of news items from 2006. These are condensed, but are culled from
actual news items and should be savored, not gulped. Roll them around on
your tongue like a fine Brandy. You will probably agree that if 2006 was any
indication of things to come, we should have a most entertaining year on our
doorstep.
Minneapolis
- As Northwest Airlines slashed wages of workers in an effort to recover
from bankruptcy, they at least were thoughtful enough to offer their workers
a booklet suggesting "101 Ways to Save Money". A sampling of the generous
guidelines:
and my personal
favorite
-
Don't be shy about
pulling something you like out of the trash
Who said corporations
are cold?
Nashville
- The war on terror plods on as a commercial flight was forced to make an
emergency landing after a passenger passed gas and then lit a match to
disguise the smell. The match-lighter was said to suffer from an undisclosed
medical condition and was not charged in the incident. She also was not
allowed to re-board the aircraft.
Black Jack, MO
- An unmarried couple was denied an occupancy permit for their new home when
town officials declared that the couple and their three children did not
meet the towns' definition of a family. Although the two have been in a
committed relationship for thirteen years, town ordinance stipulates that
people living in a single-family home must be related by "blood, marriage or
adoption". Olivia Shelltrack said she "knew something was wrong when the
building inspector asked for the children's birth certificates." It will
probably be a while before gay marriage gets the green light in Black Jack.
Venture, CA
- A
local computer teacher blew off part of his right hand when he squashed an
insect crawling across his desk with a 40mm ammunition shell that he had
used as a paperweight. Robert Colla had found the five inch long shell
years ago while hunting. A fellow teacher observed..."obviously he didn't
think the round was live.." The incident also underscores the gap between
technical knowledge and common sense.
Antarctica
- The hole in the ozone layer reached record proportions this year,
expanding to more than 10.6 million square miles, making it now larger than
North America. That's bad news for people living in the Southern
Hemisphere, where the hole increases exposure to the sun's cancer-causing
radiation. Good news, I suppose, for people in the Southern Hemisphere too
lazy to toast their Pop-Tarts.
Florida
- The Army Corps of Engineers, nine months after Hurrican Katrina, refused
to give residents of the Everglades detailed maps that show the best
evacuation routes should Lake Okeechobee be breached by a hurricane.
Reason? The information might fall into the hands of terrorists. "We just
don't believe there's a great need for the public to have the maps" said a
representative of the corps. On the other hand, the "Looter's Escape
Routes" booklet is readily available.
Morrisville, VT
-
Nickolas Buckalew was sentenced to seven years in prison for breaking into a
tomb and cutting the head off a corpse with a hacksaw. The young lad said he
had planned to bleach the skull and use it as a bong. Who said there's
nothing to do growing up in a small town? This sentence clearly not handed
down by Judge Cashman.
Los
Angeles
- A new study finds that ozone can decrease men's sperm count. By
correlating sperm-bank donations to the zip codes of donors, medical
researchers at the University of Southern California concluded that
ozone-the result of sunlight interacting with nitrogen oxides and
hydrocarbons in smoggy air-can produce toxins in the blood that harm
sperm. Well, probably more than sperm...but sperm, for sure. Another
four-star item for the "Why Pollution Is Good" brochure.
Ft.Lauderdale
- Students in a high school criminology class got a field trip they won't
forget. Teacher Sue Messenger had visited a local park earlier, planting
plastic bones and other evidence for her charges to find later in the day.
The future crime-scene detectives scored an A+ when they happened upon a
real body during the field trip, apparently of a homeless man who had died
in the park. "The first thing we thought was 'That's a real good dummy she
set up' ". As soon as police showed up, they realized it was no joke. Beats
the heck out of algebra.
Washington.D.C.-
The 20 million dollars Congress has set aside for a "commemoration of
success", or Iraqi Victory Party, has been set aside until further notice.
I guess the timing isn't quite right, but the money will be held for our
inevitable victory at which time we can look forward to, what the defense
budget calls "a day of celebration with appropriate ceremonies and
activities". I know I can hardly wait. I hope they have "Pin the Turban on
the Terrorist" and "Bobbing for IED's". Is it too soon to order the cake?
Of course, there are
many, many more stories such as these gleaned from across the land. It's
hard to imagine that 2007 could top this but something tells me not to give
up hope. As Leann Day of South Bend, Indiana pointed out after buying an
oven door in a flat screen TV box for $500.00(from a guy on a street
corner).."If you're going to buy something from someone, be sure you open it
up first...especially if you're not buying it from the store".
Happy New Year!