PINK ELEPHANTS
Yet another sign of our cultural decay surfaced last week. This time, the bad news came from India by way of India's new Pachyderm Ambassador, Paris Hilton. History will mark the day that elephants saw pink elephants. Apparently, unbeknownst to the rest of the world, there is a problem unfolding in parts of India in the form of binge-drinking elephants. As though this were not funny enough, I came across the news in an AP story stating that Paris Hilton had taken the cause under her wing and was planning a trip to India to "help". If that news alone is not enough to scare the pickled pachyderms into sobriety or the nearest "Elephants Anonymous" program, than I don't know what would. In a statement that only Paris could author, she announced how "it is really, really sad. We must make alcohol unavailable to them..." I was moved to tears after reading that, from laughing, of course, but tears, nonetheless. Is Paris, of all people, suggesting that India close the famous "Elephant Bars'? What about "Horton's Place"? Be careful, Paris, elephants never forget.
Comedians the world over genuflect in praise to Paris Hilton, the gift that keeps on giving. It's hard to know where to begin. The story began when a pack of six or so elephants found the homemade rice beer at a small farm. Plastered, they went on a foot-stomping rampage, knocking over straw furniture and generally making a mess. One native complained of the "bad one-liners" that one "pachy" wouldn't stop dispensing. Also, we all know how heavy drinking can result in multiple trips to the restroom and this alone can be a drenching problem when elephants binge drink. It's as though these big, gray beasts once spent time in college over here in the states. Soon, they'll be making funnels out of coconuts and bamboo tubing and giving each other tequila shots. They'll be singing "Pina Collada" and other awful songs way past midnight.
For me, the real comedic pearl in this oyster is the incredibly tiny, pea-sized brain that must rest inside that blonde noggin. One expects children born to such wealth to have a certain amount of almost innate dignity. That there is a certain base-level intellect that you are gifted with genetically. Instead, I look at her parents and wonder which one is the imposter. One of them is really, really stupid, they just have to be. Otherwise, how does one explain Paris? While other young people are perhaps serving in the military or busy being good citizens, there's always one goose that kind of slingshots out of the "V" formation and flies into the side of a mountain. This poor girl has no idea how utterly dense she is and that there is almost no question that a conversation with a tree toad would be at least as engaging as one with this knucklehead. It makes one want to announce to the world.."Wait! Wait! Not all Americans are like this! She ate lead paint or something....." Journalist notepads must have been nearly on fire as they scrambled to get every word at this press conference. If I had the money, I would buy her ticket to India right now because I can't wait for Chapter 2 of this story which, ideally, ends with her caught driving a drunken elephant, both of them snookered and trampling Greta Van Sustern who will be there doing 24/7 coverage.
Coming away from it all, I have to side with the elephants. You can hardly blame them for needing a little weekend bender. I'm sure they have their share of problems, just like the rest of us. But they must be a little disappointed that it wasn't Sean Penn, Richard Gere or George Clooney that came to their aid, just a little tart with an IQ a little smaller than their own.
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