GOOFY GONE WILD
Well, last week the
inevitable finally happened. That bastion of morality and family values was
infiltrated by someone from the outside world and shook the venerable
organization at its core. The Disney Corporation announced Thursday that
several cast members at their Paris theme park were caught red-handed. This
is not a reference to Mickey's gloved hands but instead to a porn movie in
progress which was happened upon by another employee. Yes, there is some
relief that it happened in Paris. This allows us to attribute the act to the
French libido and their liberal culture. It does not, however, help me in
anyway erase the disturbing images that immediately burrowed themselves into
my memory.
The unsettling details, described with an uncanny sense of calm, tell us how
the first video shows Minnie being grabbed from behind by Goofy who then
simulates a sex act. This scene is followed by an encounter between Minnie
and a Giant Snowman. Good God, a snowman? Minnie always seemed so wholesome,
innocent. That high, squeaky mouse-voice which embodies her fragile nature.
To see this "other side" and the half-melted remains of a snowman have
permanently scarred my opinion of her. This is not to absolve the Snowman of
his responsibility although it has been reported that he has already checked
himself into rehab, following the suit of American celebrities caught in the
act. The Snowman reported his troubled childhood, not surprisingly, rife
with bullying and ridicule. "Is that a carrot-nose, or are you just happy to
see me?" "How's your vision with two chunks of coal for eyes?" All this
said, is it any wonder he gave in to his deviant desires, soiling Minnie in
the process? It is rumored he harbored a drinking problem as well,
complaining constantly of dehydration.
You're probably hoping that this sordid tale ends here and I wish it were
so. However, later in the video, Mickey and the Snowman do the wild thing.
Could it get any worse? I didn't even know what to think. Is the Snowman
androgynous? I assumed the Snowman was a white male, but I realized I had
never had to give it this much thought before. If the Snowman is not male,
then that means the tryst with Minnie was...well, you know. And yet, if not,
then the thing with Mickey was....oh, please, it's just too much. After all
this information overload, I considered not reading any further but my
curiosity got the best of me. And there was more. I had hoped and prayed it
wouldn't be but it was anyway. That's right...Goofy with Chip and Dale.
Those adorable little chipmunks had their cheeks filled with nuts again, but
it wasn't acorns this time. To see them aferward, enjoying a cigarette and
talking slowly is such a disturbing image that I can't imagine ever having
it purged from my memory.
Why do I feel such a sense of loss? What's next, Snowwhite and the Seven
Dwarfs? I'll tell you right now if even one of those little Dwarfs touches
her I'll beat him senseless. The Electric Parade through Downtown Disney
will never be the same. Captain Hook? Please, don't tell me. Peter Pan and
Tinkerbell? No, please. Those damn French and their libertine lifestyle. Can
they think of nothing else?
On a serious note, Disney reports they have taken "appropriate action". I
have been to Disney a few times with my family and I truly respect their
adherence to a strict set of values. On one trip, we visited a kiosk where
you can have your picture taken with your head on any number of different
bodies. My two boys each had a picture taken, one as a body-builder and the
other as Buzz Lightyear. I tried to get my picture taken with my head on a
female body. "We can't do that". I was taken aback as the young woman told
me it was a violation of Disney rules to allow cross-gender photos. At
first, I though it was little silly but after giving it some thought, I was
impressed. Their parks are immaculately clean. The venue is relentlessly
family-friendly and their parks are one of the last places a family can go
with children and be assured that there won't be anything even close to
offensive. I admire that and I admire the strict adherence to a policy which
might otherwise be snickered at in today's culture. Certainly, some of their
movies venture into different territory but the parks seem to have remained
as wholesome as ever. I hope it will remain that way and as long as I can
get rid of that haunting sound of Goofy moaning in pleasure, I will probably
return to Disney someday, as pure as the driven snow. Woops.