A LETTER FROM R. ABBIT
Hello, and Happy
Easter. My name is R. Abbit, and I am President of the Easter Bunny
Association. For years I have represented the legions of bunnies that are
deployed every Easter to provide and hide eggs, treats and candies for
children all over the world. I write to you today, or should I say, to the
select few of you, who have finally come to our aid after all these years.
Without going into graphic detail, I think you know who you are.
For decades my fellow bunnies and I have served diligently while
simultaneously suffering the humiliation of our non-sensical association
with this most precious of religious holidays. Over time, our
characterization has become more and more grotesque. Peruse the children's
books of years ago and you will find dignified depictions of us engaged in
our yearly task. In more recent times however, we have become the subject of
mockery and satire, silly suits with grossly exaggerated features. Huge
fluffy tails, ears more befitting a donkey than a rabbit, big, silly, feet
that one would most expect to find in a circus or perhaps a skit performed
by a comedy troupe.
I can only tell you how relieved we all were when just a few short years
ago, some of you humans began to demand the removal of the word Easter from
this holiday, and hence, we hoped, the eventual erasure of the bunnies role
in your decadent celebration of this revered holiday. Thank God, or, well,
maybe someone else in this case, but thank someone that the minute portion
of you that found Easter offensive, finally raised your voices enough to be
heard. Let's face it, even if a thousand people hold this holiday dear,
consider it's religious meaning and embrace it as a family tradition, if
even two or three of those thousand are uncomfortable with it then the only
course of action is to overhaul the holiday completely.
I can barely convey to you the glee that us furry hoppers experienced when
watching all of this unfold on our tiny, underground tv sets. Word traveled
fast of our impending freedom. Though none of you noticed, we had nightly
bonfires of green, plastic hay and those hideous marshmallow chicks. Sure,
the chick-melting ritual was outlawed last year by the bunny association,
but still, you get the drift. The wafting scent of imminent freedom from our
role in this holiday blew through the bunny world like the cry of freedom
from your own civil rights movement of years ago. We waited anxiously to see
how the holiday would morph, and which unfortunate creature would be come
the next slave to your ritual. We laughed, half-lit on carrot vodka, at the
thought of the Easter Donkey, or maybe the Easter Sloth. The house nearly
came down when my cousin suggested the Easter Weasel, which he shortened to,
simply, Easel.
This year we waited, and were not disappointed, to watch this trend continue
to grow. As expected, more headlines of schools, communities and other
organizations long bound to continuing the sufferance of us bunnies, did
indeed change the names of their events from Easter Egg Hunt to Spring Egg
Hunt. One of my favorites was the Spring Holiday. Completely innocuous and
without meaning. If our paws weren't so short, we would be high-fiving each
other.
Eventually, we hope, Easter, or at least the bunny aspect, will be a long
forgotten scourge on our heritage. Of course, we are not ruling out an
eventual class-action suit, or perhaps the pursuit of reparations to
compensate us for pain, suffering, humiliation, and probably some punitive
damages as well.
Not surprisingly, my fellow rabbits and I have endured threats from the
chocolate industry. Sure, Hershey sent some of their goons around to rough
us up, but we will not be deterred in our mission. You humans have to get
with the program. Disney has decided to allow gay weddings in their theme
parks, and Easter Bunnies have decided to opt out. You cannot continue to
celebrate a holiday that is offensive to .00324 percent of your population,
and that statistic is accurate, you know how good rabbits are at math.
Though you may have experienced some success with your campaign to stop the
sterilization of Christmas, do not expect the same result here. We are not
Santa's Elves, we are rabbits...hear us roar.
Sincerely Yours,
Mr. R. Abbit
Pres., Easter Bunny Association (EBA)
V.P., Easter Elimination Group (EGG)
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